So, isnapos;t tomato soup supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to make??? Iapos;m not sure how, but I seem to fuck it up every time I make it. I guess it tastes fine, but the soup boiled up all over the bot and onto the stove. This reaction to me cooking is not going to encourage me to stay home and cook more often....
Thatapos;s not really what I planned to write about tonight. I just got a little sidetracked by the mess I had to clean up.
Two and a half years ago, I moved to Boston. When I moved here, my ultimate goal was not to go to law school and get a juris doctorate, although that was one of my goals. My ultimate goal was to achieve independence. All through my senior year of college, I made it clear to everyone and anyone that came anywhere near me that I was leaving and was not interested in a relationship. If a man wanted to be with me, he just had to understand that it wasnapos;t going to last. During my first summer here, I maintained that attitude, not because I was planning on leaving, but because I was asserting my new found independence.
By the end of the summer, I wrote somewhere (Iapos;m not sure if it was here in LJ or in my written journal) that I was ready to share this amazing life in Boston with someone, a man. I thought I was ready to open myself up to someone in a way I never had before. So, I sent a message to the universe that I was ready for a boyfriend, and lo and behold, that is what I got.
I dated Dan for almost a year. He was exactly what I had asked for. I thought I was ready to settle down because I had finally achieved the independence I had waited 21 years to feel. Turns out, I wanted more. My relationship with Dan became dull very quickly. He wasnapos;t interested in experiencing new things with me. He was set in his ways, and happy to be there.
So, I returned to my old attitude: boyfriends are bad; independence is good; I love being with men, but I donapos;t want to share my life with a man because he will hold me down. So, I sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really dated Ben and then Sebastian.
Well, at least that was the plan, but with Sebastian, it was different. I started to open myself up to him. I found a level of comfort I had never felt before. But, I was still willing to be in a sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really relationship with him. I thought that if that was all I could get, then that was all I could get, and I should just accept it.
I have finally decided that is not what I want anymore. I am willing to wait now for a man who wants me for all that I am. I deserve to be wanted for my independence, intelligence, beauty, and devoted companionship all at the same time. I think it is possible for me to be in a relationship and not feel held back or held down. I donapos;t want to constantly question whether a man wants me in his life anymore. I deserve to know that he does. I am ready to be in a relationship that I can tell other people about without him being ashamed. Dan couldnapos;t tell his parents because he was Jewish. Ben couldnapos;t tell his parents because I dated his older brother. Sebastian never told his parents because we were never really dating in his mind. I deserve to not be the dirty little secret.
This is not written out of anger. This comes from a realization that I have allowed these relationships to happen because I have believed I didnapos;t deserve better. I do deserve better, and I am willing to wait for it now. I will not settle for "well we can date, but we canapos;t be boyfriend and girlfriend" anymore. I deserve to be legitimate.
The challenge for me now is being okay with being alone for a while. There hasnapos;t been anyone in the last three and a half years who has wanted to be the real deal for me, and I am not expecting him to just show up tomorrow. I need to respect myself now, and not settle for less than I am worth.
albert nurnberger violin bow, eleventh frame, eleventh floor, eleventh five plan years, eleventh finger lyrics.
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